I struggle with my inner thoughts, my body pain, my emotional pain, my global pain. I feel everything at a deep level, hold on to past pain, not with my conscious mind, but my unconscious mind. I feel angry and frustrated. When I yelled why am I so angry? My immediate answer was I’m tired of struggling for all the above. I’m tired of struggling bottom line. I don’t know how to let it all go. To surrender. Because if I’m not aware, awake and watching, it may all happen again.
In this present time, I am living life in surrender, cooperating with the energies that are manifesting through me in mediumship, trance, healing, psychism, love, gratitude - everything I have been building since I became aware of my ability to manifest.
And yet I’m left with the leftovers. My old values, sets of beliefs, old fears, old scenarios of what if’s and better nots. I’m left with a dividing line that has encapsulated my old self away from my new self, and they keep bumping into each other.
It’s too uncomfortable to continue and I’m not sure how to stop. I would like a clickable line that I cross over and once over, all my struggles have evaporated. I hear the click. I feel a distinct difference and realize I am through with it all.
I have devoted the rest of my life to be a healer, coupling with the greater spiritual world and working together to bring hope and purpose to people struggling for answers, desperate for direction and hopeless with oppression.
There are comforts to be had that no one can take away, no matter their super power. Comforts gleaned from connecting with my inner spirit, my soul, my Higher Self. It starts with a desire to want something more meaningful that runs deep in my veins. Nothing on the outside can satisfy this want.
I was brought to this place with my chronic Fibromyalgia pain, my dying daughter, my failed marriage, the realization of my abusive childhood and my dependence on others to define me. I hit bottom and knew it would be easier to die than to continue. I chose to continue living when I remembered my children. I absolutely did not want them to live their young lives with the knowledge I gave up.
I had to do the most difficult thing and that was to turn inward. I started on an inward journey over 30 years ago that led to many aha moments and a lot of tears and anguish. I met people that encouraged me to keep going. I read and listened and witnessed others struggling and finding comfort. I gathered role models and faked it till I made it.
I remember a very low moment when I was on the kitchen floor sobbing, not caring snot was everywhere; not caring whether I ever got up again; not caring what happened next. I heard an inner voice that very quietly and gently said, “you’ll feel better if you blew your nose.” My response was “I don’t care.” Then I heard “You are worth the effort.”
This conversation got my attention because I stopped crying. Some voice was lovingly and gently encouraging me and it certainly wasn’t mine. I got up and blew my nose, wiped myself up and sat down feeling confused, reasoning out what just happened.
I have been cultivating my inner voice since then. I began building a deeper relationship with my Higher Self, my guide, however one defines that loving inner voice. I learned to discern my Higher Self to my ego. My Higher Self expresses herself with gentle whispers of support and love. My ego screams judgments and warnings. I spent hours listening to my inner screaming, bullying, alarming me with deflating words.
I’m standing at a fork in my life journey witnessing both sides of my inner life. It’s time to surrender and encourage them to accept each other. I need both sides to fully step in to my whole being. My life partner reflected the other day I am in training like an elite athlete. I have surrendered to a positive approach to life, curtailed my inner critic and bully, cleaned out bad habits and pastimes, changed my diet to support a healthy body eliminating allergic reactions, emotional dependences and raised my awareness, because how I treat my body models my self-love.
It's okay for me to feel my inner pain. It’s okay for me to cry. It’s okay for me to feel. It’s okay. What’s most important is having acceptance of who I am.
I stopped my abusive behavior though at times I feel the pressure to numb myself again. I have a plethora of tools to help stay grounded, surrounded in love. I stay steady with my values. My community holds my values. I recognize when I abandon myself and gently bring myself back to my center. I am okay.
I practice silence and listen. I have lost track of how many hours I have sat in silence. It is a daily routine at this point. Silence has opened my inward door.
We are not alone in this world. The unseen world is alive and active and walks with us every day. I hear them and see them. In trance, I speak for them, using their words, expressing their messages of support. They want to help. They want to assure us all is okay. There is no finality in dying.
We continue to live beyond the veil without the heavy burden of our bodies. We lose our ego, the busy mind that works so hard to figure out how to be happy. Our hearts know how to be happy, and there is a community available to us beyond the veil all based in love.
Surrendering in light, Shirley
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