I spent a good amount of time yesterday afternoon just laying in bed staring at the ceiling. An overwhelming, tearful day of joy and loss. Beginnings and endings. Relief and resolve.
If we as a nation had not experienced a great disturber, would we be breathing sighs of relief and experiencing such clarity in direction? Isn’t that the purpose of a disturber, to stir up the pot so all the lumps can be sifted out?
Stunning sigh of relief. I didn’t realize how tight I was living for four years. How my grimace created wrinkles. How my hearing became so acute. Neither happy or sad—stunned.
And, within the same moment, I find the news that a friend moved on. We experienced a stunning Shamanic healing together, held hands, laughed, expelled, shared and hugged. She left through the breast cancer door. I didn’t realize she decided it was time. I didn’t realize.
And, within the same hour, I start reading the book “Untamed” on my Kindle describing a woman’s life blown open because she fell in love with a woman, and how her life changed and people reacted and sneered and her heart exploded into joy she never knew was possible. I could feel every word because it was my experience how I lived below the radar but couldn’t get past judgments and fears and they became wrinkles on my heart as well. And with each word I read, I remember those I disappointed then, and yet, now, they are exclaiming the power, wonder and incredible joy from reading this book. Stunning!
Life changes in a blink of an eye. I stare at the ceiling attempting to assimilate what just happened. What just happened.
Another wrinkle unwrinkles. Another reminder that sorrow and regret holds possibility of relief and understanding. Another soul leaves this dimension and therein lies more understanding of the other side.
It’s time to change my language. Death is not the end. Death is moving on to another beginning. Regrets are not permanent. Regrets hold learning to help move beyond. And a hateful, wounded leader was the disguise for a great disturber whose purpose was to accelerate our nation out of complacency agitating souls into action.
A stunning day. I am more awake. The nation is more awake. Life is stunning.
Sometimes, you need the ocean light,
and colors you’ve never seen before
painted through an evening sky.
Sometimes you need your God
to be a simple invitation,
not a telling word of wisdom.
Sometimes you need only the first shyness
that comes from being shown things
far beyond your understanding,
so that you can fly and become free by being still and by being still here.
And then there are times you need to be
brought to ground by touch
and touch alone.
To know those arms around you and to make your home in the world.
just by being wanted.
To see those eyes looking back at you,
as eyes should see you at last,
seeing you, as you always wanted to be seen,
seeing you, as you yourself
had always wanted to see the world.
Participants’ Reflections:
Thank you. I can’t help thinking you’re ahead of your time and you are still blazing trails. I really appreciate the concept of ‘the great disturber.’ In reframing my family dynamics in that context, it puts it in a new light for me. Thank you, that is a great gift. In looking at the responses of my family members to this disturber who brought so much pain and chaos into my family, some people felt it very deeply. An arrow right through their heart; others were able to shield themselves from it and continue on. One of the things that happened, they became at odds. Through today’s meditation, I see that both are abilities and both are useful. Thank you for continuing to blaze trails for all of us.
I was moved by the line ‘life is stunning.’ I too got bad news about a family member yesterday during the love stream that was happening. It was hard to integrate it all at the same time. Maybe I haven’t yet. With prayers for my family member, I also became keenly aware by the end of the day that I too have that tightness in my chest not realizing the degree to which I’ve been carrying the energy that is around me for our country and for the world. I realize there are many folks who were on the other side who must feel stunned this morning because of the bright light and stream of love that they may not have been ready to receive. It’s like soldiers returning from war facing reentry. The other side’s reentry may be more difficult than ours. Our reentry is dropping back into the constant stillness and love and light that always exists. The resistance to that. I’m just learning they too were stunned and we must have compassion as we all reenter into this light stream. It may be hard for many people. Your reading armed me in a good way in how to cope with the situation. You can’t put new wine in old wineskins, and now the old wineskins are gone. We must be aware of that. Thank you.
Thank you. The things I’ve been working on have been about trying to let go of the deadwood and carrying the things that don’t serve me. That are ingrained. When I meditate sometimes, I try to pull the light in or sit in the light and I can’t find it. This morning in the meditation, it felt heavy and dense and dark. I asked for help. I wound up with a can of paint and a roller and I was rolling my insides with white paint, just lightening it up. I got that there’s more than one way to do this. I don’t have to be so serious and pump up my spirituality like I’m constipated. I can lighten up and take the paintbrush and paint the colors if I don’t sense and feel it.
Thank you everyone. I’ve been so stuck, unable to work for the last week or so. I’ve been in a state of just wanting to do jigsaw puzzles and math riddles. Last night, at my chalice circle, the minister said the word trauma. It dawned on me is that I am experiencing PTSD. Millions of people must be experiencing this too. When you talk about the great disturber, it’s reminding me what looks one way, can be looked at in another way. Maybe it’s a way to get through this PTSD. Look at the positive things that have happened because of the last four years. Unity. It’s all good and it’s all related. Thank you.
It occurred to me during the meditation that cancer is a great disturber, other illnesses too. The list goes on. What is the definition of a great disturber? To stir it up, clean out the lumps, find the light.
During the reading, you were talking about a wounded hateful leader and it reminded me of my father who was a great disturber. I lived in a grimacing way and didn’t realize it until I entered the rooms of recovery. And looking at eyes that love you back, I didn’t experience that until I entered the rooms of recovery. It was love without conditions. I always had conditional love growing up. It created division between me and my family members. And looking at the world now, the division. I haven’t been able to talk to my adult child because of the politics of the last four years until I learned to not talk about politics and just love him. It boils down to love. I didn’t know how to do that. I’m still learning, loving my children and other people without condition. And myself. Of course, that’s the biggest one.
The phrase ‘it all boils down to love’ is pretty powerful. Thank you.
I want to thank everyone who spoke. It’s so comforting the connection we have. Yesterday was very celebratory and I ended the day knowing I needed to call my friend who is having severe memory loss. She is so combative now. I didn’t know how to talk to her and everything I was trying to say bounced back negatively. I’ve been thinking how hard it is to juxtapose celebration with sorrow. With juxtaposing, you have the ability to put your arm around someone and connect, but you also have the ability to stay a separate self. As I seek ways to communicate with her, all I hope for is that the love will come through. I’ll keep saying I love you, hoping the love will break through. We do the best we can. It’s so hard. I just believe in the power of connection and that’s what keeps me going and keeps me hopeful.
Loving myself is not easy, but it is a necessary precursor to loving others.
I think it’s important to keep in mind that when we are speaking to anyone or sending thoughts to anyone that we are talking to their humanness and also we are talking to their soul. And if their humanness cannot hear it, for whatever reason, whether dementia or mental illness or stubbornness, we are still talking to their soul. It’s important to remember that the love we share is getting through on some level. We may not be able to see it.
I learned from my sponsor, instead of having direct communication with people, think of the triangle. Everything I say to someone is going up to Higher Power and back down to the person. And everything I hear is going from that person up through my Higher Power and then to me. Through their soul, through my Higher Power.
I felt this week I opened up my core center, my core love. A lot of my meditations have been sitting in that love, allowing that love connection between other people. With all of you, with family, with people I know who are suffering. I thought, I wonder if I can do this with my parent. I’ve had to protect myself from her energy. Connect with her spirit self, not her human self. It worked a little bit. I was able to make a little connection. I had to consciously say ‘I am connecting to her divine self.’ That’s what it’s all about. It’s scary, can I do this, can I protect myself, can I love myself.
In electronics, there are low-pass filters that let low frequencies pass through and there are high-pass filters for the high frequencies to pass through, and bandpass filters that filter everything out except for a band of frequencies. In listening to these shares, I’m thinking of filtering. Isn’t that what life is, experiencing it all and breathing through it.
Thank you. What a conversation. What images. The richness of each of your hearts and the ability to express in tears, words, or in your presence is a gift. Thank you. I hope you all have a wonderful day sitting in your frequencies learning to accept them all. And remembering love starts in our hearts. Thank you.
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